How do you measure achievement?

Yak:Emma 

February, ah the month of love, pancake day and my birthday! (my brother's as well but as he doesn’t write this, I am not sure it should really be mentioned…) If you’re anything like me, then you are probably not feeling the love, worrying about the calories and aghast that the year has gone so quickly.  When I say year, I do wonder where the last 16 years have gone. Way back in 2004 I graduated from Manchester Metropolitan University with a 1^st class hons degree, world was my oyster and I genuinely thought that by the time I was my age now, I would have achieved so much. 

Charcoal drawing circa 2004-hanging fabric E Pinnock 

To unpick that a bit I should say what I mean by achieving.  The definition is, 'to successfully bring about or reach (a desired objective or result) by effort, skill or courage'  On reading this I can already see that it doesn’t mention anything I measure my own achievements by; a high-flying career, being a home owner, being married and having a family. All things at my age I thought I would have.  Even in the last fortnight I know that I have actively avoided speaking to people who I have worked with in a ‘proper’ career for fear of their judgement and my embarrassment over what I do now.  I cringe when I meet new people and have to explain what and why I am doing what I do.  Why do I do this? is it self centred to worry about what people think about me? Or are expectations of what traditional achievements look like just outdated? I wouldn't like to say for everyone, but for me I need to make my own list of achievements and work towards fulfilling them instead. 

Screen print of Charcoal drawing on paper-mixed media E Pinnock 2004 

I have been really struggling recently with getting to grips with what I do and why I do it.  After reaching out to a friend in December who was dealing with their own struggles, it was thoughtful and touching when they did the same to me in the New Year.  They made me think about what I had been feeling and how it was all valid, both the negatives and the positives.  It has also made me think about how much of myself I give to other people and other work and if it is not reciprocated then i need to move on.  Perhaps this is all a bit off topic, and you could be wondering what it has to do with a creative blog but then being self-employed, creating art, everything is linked.  I should take more stock in what I have built from scratch, I make things with my hands that a lot of people are willing to part with their hard-earned money for, they take a piece of me into their homes or give it as a gift and that surely is a lovely thing?

Effort, training, years of honing your skills, cost of materials, time spent marketing and selling, making websites, listing items, taking photos, answering emails, packaging up items, applying for shows, approaching galleries and shop, budgeting, ordering all of this and more, all before I put pencil to paper.  I don’t think a lot of people outside of the creative industries realises just what goes into making something, how much of a person goes into the final thing.  It is all consuming.  I don't think I realise this a lot of the time, and I really should.  I have achieved a lot. 

Screen print of Charcoal drawing on paper-mixed media E Pinnock 2004

I am doing something that I love, and I need to give myself a bit more credit for what I do.  Whatever way you live, there is always going to be something that you would want to change, or don’t want to do or have a fear of missing out on, I am just trying to keep that in my mind that I am doing what I love and to let the rest fall by the wayside or come when the time is right. 

I have spent a lot of time over the last month or so going through old work, from both degree and Masters.  I have rekindled a flame for ideas and themes that haven’t been fully addressed and going back to a style of work that is more in keeping with me and what I want to do.  While it has clearly made me think about what I haven’t ‘achieved’ in a traditional sense, it has also made me see in black and white on paper what is important to me.  I need to go back to the drawing board (excuse me) and stop comparing myself or measuring myself by things that just aren't relevant. I have a portrait class on Saturday, a Christmas gift from a brother, something I have wanted to do for years and I need to be doing more things like this, doing more things for me.  I am hoping to go away for a while and just draw and walk, on my own and give myself some time to immerse myself into a space and my art (any suggested places to visit are appreciated!) 

MA fine art -abstract landscape-mixed media E Pinnock circa 2009

I forgot how special some of the people I have around me are.  They put up with me for a lot of the time and are just the sounding board I need.  I hope that this February you have been loved, whether it’s a bit of tough love from a friend who knows you well, love of a partner or a bit of self-love to yourself, be kind, and to quote from a supporter this week, ‘I’d put my money on you moving forward, you were never average in anyway and you will do what’s right for you.  Who wants to be ordinary? Soldier on sunshine’

Emma.